What Makes a Relationship Happy?
If you peruse the many books on relationships at your local bookstore you will find a variety of opinions regarding what it takes to stay happily married for a lifetime. It appears that having much in common does nothing to guarantee the happiness and longevity of a relationship. Nor does the absence of bickering. Couples who rarely fight have no better chance at a successful marriage than those of us who squabble about small things.
After the early glow of romance, couples sometimes worry that they are no longer compatible. Long term research shows that compatibility is not all that helpful in creating happiness. In fact, marriage expert, Dr. Harville Hendrix, claims that incompatibility is grounds for a commitment because it makes us grow in ways that sameness would not.
What does research show about happy marriages? What matters according to scientific research is being able to laugh when things go wrong. The humor that makes a marriage happy includes laughter at jokes, funny situations, the kid’s and pet’s antics and the goofy behaviors of both partners. It also includes laughing at the small mistakes and imperfections that you each possess. Couples who laugh when their mate reads the map wrong, drops the watermelon they brought to the picnic, runs over the fence or burps in public is able to use humor to reduce the small stresses of life. These couples can also show appropriate humor in moments of greater stress in order to connect with their partner and subtlety reassure that, “we will make it through this.”
Maintaining a sense of humor in the darkest of times is not only a sign of good emotional health and resilience in an individual, but in a marriage as well. Lets look at this concept.
Good emotional health in an individual means to keep a positive attitude and healthy coping mechanisms in the face of life’s challenges. Individually that positive attitude includes good self-esteem, self-care and self-acceptance. In relationship a positive attitude consists of an affirmative view of the other and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. Looking at your partner as a person who is no more perfect or imperfect than yourself. Good emotional health in a marriage includes having realistic expectations of relationship versus thinking love should be flawless and effortless. Love requires small and large efforts made consistently over time.
Healthy coping mechanisms in a relationship means that a couple must develop means of dealing with the stresses of life by sharing their feelings and needs and making it safe for their partner to share his or her feelings and needs. We cannot fix most of the problems in life. Shocking as it sounds most of what creates pressure in our lives and marriages is outside of our control. What we can fix is how we face those problems. Just as individuals who are able to keep their sense of humor in the small and large disappointments of life, couples that can keep their sense of humor and make one another laugh during the ups and downs are more likely to be healthy and happy.
Taking time to laugh with one another, not at one another, when we show our imperfections, make mistakes, are upset at ourselves; versus being angry and upset, will go far in making us happy over a lifetime.
